How to heal a Broken Heart

You might be wondering how did I came up to this topic. I already wrote a topic about Love (What is Love, link here) and I wanted to write all about the healing process of a broken heart. I wrote this piece after reading Maine Mendoza’s book (Yup, I am that Girl). I read something about moving on from heartaches and lately I’ve answered some question from a random people. I thought of writing my opinion about this. Let’s start!

*** Photo from National Book Store

If you know me so well, I’ve been really exposed to heartaches. I’ve been dumped, rejected, unloved and quite unnoticed. I’ve never been committed to any relationship and I know you’ll gonna tease me that I’m kind of girl whom you always called, No Boyfriend Since Birth.  

*** Photo from Pinoy Movie Blogger

Yes, it’s true but that doesn’t mean that I have never experienced being broken. From the day I started to understand what the world means, I feel like I’m broken all along. It’s not just from guys but in all aspects of life, I feel like broken. So, here it is… I am going to share how did I ended up my heart being broken.

I met a lot of guys in my 22 years of existence. I am friendly with the guys but these three I’m going to share were the ones in which they broke my heart as broken as it is. (Disclaimer: For all those my friends who will read this post, I am going to share this not to brag but to help others who were still on moving on process.)

I was a high school student then when I met him. I was young that time and it was also my first time to have a crush on. I do have crushes but this guy really attracted me in some ways. We are best friends more like siblings and have the same characteristics but different in situations. Okay, I’m going to admit – I fell in love with him due to our really close relationship and I was young back then. I never knew what love is all about. I never had the chance to understand first what is the possibility of falling in love with your best friend. I said it to him crying and begging to love me back. I said it to him so many times and I was clueless that my heart is starting to fall into pieces. My friends advised me to stay away from my best friend since I am nearly dying from heartache. That time, I never knew that I was wrong for being so obsessed with him. I never imagine what could it bring to my life. I was still trying to pursue him; I was still giving myself a chance that he’ll also going to love me later on. 
***Photo from Boldomatic

Until one day, I was really broken that time. I was tired and finally feel that I’m rejected for how many times. I gave up on him. I decided to move on and find a way out from those experience I had. I thought of having him will make me the happiest girl in the world but I didn’t think of the other way around. Maybe it’s not for me, I don’t deserve that kind of guy. I realized years after that maybe having best friend (in real life) is not always your destiny in the future. What you see in the movies is just in the movies and still a fiction. I never thought of that when I was begging on my best friend. I realized that we became best friends on purpose; He must be a way for me to understand what is the meaning of the word, “best friend.” From that day on, I put on my mind that you should not push yourself to someone who aren’t ready to love you back. Maybe, your relationship will stay just for best friends only and will not be going to the next level. It’s a choice, you’ll going to choose between saving your friendship or pushing your own feelings. I chose the latter and ended up a nightmare. It’s up to you if you can get through what I’ve been. But if you still do, if this will make you feel better, go and do what you can. This will free you from yourself however there were endings that aren’t like mine. So, don’t hesitate to try… whatever will come out, at least you tried.

The second time I got broken is when I was in college. This could be one of the stupid things I’ve ever done. When I was in high school, I assumed that my best friend likes me too but this time, I also assumed but I saw that he’s not really into me. I fell in love with a guy (again) who used to be sweet as candy and chocolates. Damn, why are those guys being really sweet? I knew that I’m going to hurt my heart again but still I am pushing myself to the fact that he will also love the way I do. Don’t you know how stupid I am? I really don’t know myself that time. It’s just that I was blinded with my own self; I was blinded with the word, “What if”? I was dumped also several times in this situation. I was rejected; I was unloved and I’m not giving up until the end. I really don’t know the reason why. Maybe, it’s just he makes me feel loved even though it’s just for friends. I am begging of love and care for my whole life and he can give me that thing. I ended up my heart broken again. I decided to get through it again. I finally decided to move on and forget all about it since he never knew I’m in love with him. I didn’t say anything about my feelings. And this is the reason why I moved on very fast. I focused on my career and my own life. I pursue what I wanted to do and what makes me happy. That’s the only revenge I can make for me to endure all those heartaches I’ve been. But…

A year after, I was already moved on with him. I met another guy and it seems that he came cluelessly to me. This was a far different from those previous guys I’ve met. This time, I already aged a lot and I’m more matured than before. I met him through a family gathering. I was once an organizer to that event and he was a visitor. I was on my way out from the house when I bumped into him. He wasn’t at my sight. I don’t care those guests who were coming in; I was all tired that then. The night after the party, a friend request was popped up on my notifications panel. I never knew it was him – the guy who I saw in the party. I accepted the friend request for some reason. Days after, he messaged me like we were that close. I am too friendly to messaged him back and it became a habit. We were chatting for almost a month and he asked me to go out. I give him a chance to had a little talk somewhere outside the chat messages. It took three times that we went out. He confessed that he wanted to pursue me but that time I was still not ready. I wasn’t ready to commit myself from a person whom I didn’t still fully trust. 

          However, I became attached to that guy; I can talk to him like we have a close-tight relationship. For almost two months of exchanging messages and going out, I find myself comfortable to him. I admit it, I started to fall in love with him. The next day after we went from a lunch date, he didn’t message me like he used to. I was thinking if I did something wrong. It’s still fresh in my mind how I waited his chat messages. I was clueless what could be his reason for not giving me a simple message just to stay, I’m busy. It took four days before he replied on my messages. I message him and told frankly how disappointed I am. He only said, “I’m sorry. Hindi pa ako ready.” Then I was asking, “Hindi pa ready saan?” I started to think serious matters about what we had. Until I realized, he was still not ready to pursue me. He wasn’t sure of what were his feelings for me. He can’t say his feelings for me aren’t enough to start a new relationship so that I couldn’t be hurt. I keep on asking him, “Kung hindi ka pa pala ready, bakit mo sinimulan? May sinabi ba ako na ready na ako?” But he keeps on answering me, “Sorry.” I was really out of mind that day. How could he even say “hindi pa ako ready” when he did it in the first place? I decided to end up things between us. I blocked him on messenger and even on other social media accounts. I even deleted his text messages. What I did is that, I reached out his friend for me to know the reason why he did it to me at first. But before that, I frankly told him some words: “Don’t you dare doing it again to another girl. Masakit ang umaasa, masakit ang ginawa mo. Sana ako na lang ang huling babae na sasaktan mo.”

That night, I message his classmate (also a friend of mine) she told me the real reason. All of the things he said wasn’t true. He was a liar, a stupid guy who were very confident to himself. He was the worst guy I’ve ever met. He was completely a foolish guy on earth! Right after I had a conversation with his friend. I cried a lot to ease the pain I’m battling. I’m crying and begging for justice why did he do it to me. I was this stupid lady who seems to believe in a crazy ass like him. His friend told me the true story. His friend told me that she was trying to stop him from messaging me for he was still not ready to enter new relationship. He still hasn’t move on from his past relationship. However, that guy told me a different story. How cruel he is! So, I finally knew the reason why he became like that. But, I am still finding the reason why is it me? Why did he choose an ordinary girl who just seeks for happiness and contentment in herself? My life was ruined by him. I once thought that you need to give yourself a chance to know other people but if this could be as complicated, I don’t want to do it anymore.



***

The question is… How am I going to heal my broken heart? From my past heartaches, this is much painful than before. How am I surpass this crazy heartache? I asked God why is this happening to me. I asked why it was me; what is the reason behind this broken heart. I prayed, prayed and prayed every night and every day. I went to church every Sunday and read about him every single day. I keep on believing HIM. My faith tested me so much that I am crying while praying. I became like a kid who keep on just staring on a wall while my mind is talking like, “You’ll gonna be okay.”  I was asking and asking questions to him why did it happen until I became tired and tortured. I tortured myself looking for answers and didn’t notice that answers might be in myself also. All this time I was asking not until one day… I realized that I already got the answers. It’s the faith that I have! God gave me these sufferings because he tested my faith if I can get through with it. He used that guy to know myself more and he believes that I’m not going to give up until my questions were finally answered. I was laughing at myself when I realized the answer. It is me all the way long; that guy seems to be my nightmare until this day. He may hurt me or leave me without a single word but what I learned is that he has a purpose on leaving me like this.

It takes time. Time will heal your wounds. It will clear what you messed up; it will give you enough time to think what you can do. You need to feel the pain. Pain demands to be felt. (The Fault in our Stars). You don’t need to blind yourself from those painful experiences; you supposed to feel and inhale the pain. It doesn’t seem to be bad; it’s just a matter of how will you fight for it. Fight those kinds of experience for it will give you a reward after the battle. It may leave you a scar but it will always remind you how strong you are. You might be exhausted, depressed or alone for the time of moving on but always remember… at the end of the day, you can still shine after the rain. You can never be wrong with God. Always believe in HIM. Moving on is a long process; you need to wait and wait. I was there and I know you’re also. I’ve been in storm for how many times but I need to get up for myself and for my dreams. I am not giving up unless God told me to do so. Yes, my heart gets broken but it’s not yet the end of my world. It’s just the beginning. “Sinaktan man ako ng nakilala kong lalaki, hindi pa din nawawala sa isipan ko na isang araw, may isang lalaki pa din ang dadating sa akin na magbabago ng Buhay ko.” I might be asking myself how long should I wait? It depends on how long you can wait. You’ll feel it when you already met that guy.

Currently, I still feel unwanted and thinking what could be his face. When will he come, how we will meet each other. I still don’t know and I don’t have any idea about it. Maybe, I need to wait more and more. That’s what you need to do. Is your heart broken until now? Just wait and it will heal soon. It is really hard to wait for someone you’re not sure if he’ll come but if that someone came without any expectations, it will be the best feeling! Just wait and see! Kaya mo yan! Malalagpasan mo din lahat ng pinagdadaanan mo. Smile and look at the brighter side of yourself.

Lovelots,

Vanessa

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