To the one who once made me smile...

To the one who made me smile again…

You’re not as good as my guy friends. You’re not that attractive just like those actors in the movies. You are not fond of giving me flowers nor chocolates compared to those guys I saw on my feeds but what makes you different is… you’re special and you made me smile again.

You came to me without a notice. The first time you added me on my social media, I expected that you just want to know if I have a boyfriend; you just need to ask me some freaking questions that I’m not willing to answer. Those things are my false impressions of you.

However, you proved me wrong. I started to think what are your real intentions for me. Your “first words” are still not convincing yet months after, I’m starting to convince myself. “Why is this guy make me change my mind?” “Why is this guy trying to make me laugh and smile every single time?” It started out last week of September and I decided to stop it until December 2018.

I didn’t realize that days are passing and it’s already May 2019. It’s been eight-long months but you are still here for me. You’ve been asking me to go out for several time but I kept on saying No. However, even after today, you are here still here, pursuing me. You made me laugh always. At tough times, you are there for me though we are far from each other. We seldom see each other since you’re on your own path while I’m busy doing mine.

It sucks for me that I can’t give you my free time and share my moments with you. It sucks that distance is our problem everyday. I didn’t know my real feelings whether I like you or not. All want I to do is I want to be with you; I wanna talk to you; I want to share my precious time having deep talks and late snacks with you. I want to spend a time with you. You already started making me happy and to be comfortable with you. I can now give you my deepest thoughts, sweet smiles and corny jokes. You always told me how beautiful and kind I am. You taught me how to love myself more than anyone else.

I want to know your personal intentions and your true feelings for me. I want to hear it personally. I realized that I don’t want to assume nor misinterpret your messages. I don’t want to have a doubt on you; I don’t want to feel that again.

However, this past few days… my mind keeps on telling me to stop. Stop from what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m starting to doubt again; to feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I kept on asking God for months and even ask for guidance of my friends. I want to tell you honestly but I don’t have the courage to do so.

I’m sorry for leaving you like this; I’m sorry for not giving you back the effort you gave. I know I didn’t do anything. I told you before that I’m still not ready and  I’m still on the process of looking for myself. You agreed. But now, everything changed. It’s just that aside from my personal reasons, I really feel that if this friendship turns into a commitment, we will end up getting hurt. We have our own differences, dreams and perceptions. We may not enjoy our life together.

To tell you honestly, I am happy that you have been starting to achieve your dreams. Do it for your family and for yourself. Do it for your future family also. We may meet again somewhere and I’m looking forward that you are beyond successful that day. If ever that you’ll read this, I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to personally tell you my reasons.

Thank you for making me smile, making me happy and lifting me up. Thank you for your kind and inspiring words. Thank you for telling me I’m beautiful. Your words will not fade away even after this. Your generosity and kindness will still remain for me. I am happy we’ve met. I am happy that I’ve met a friend like you.

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